colour my life

Last night i dreamt that my dad passed on
What makes me sad is that in my dream , I wasnt even home for days cos i was out
He died of lungs failure , had broken bones and he was losing a lot of weight
woke up shocked , deja vu just like how i dreamt mumsie died of heart attack and i saw her in the coffin
just then , dad came home from work
so i told him i dreamt that he passed away
he said " you always say i die mah . good la hor hahaha "
he dont know how traumatised i got man
ok time to redeem myself
i dont always tell him to go die
just that he always tease me calling me names like ah bui and stuff
so i'd ask him to go die leh lol
fyi i treat my dad like my friend
ask him ! how many times i whack his head and punch him LOL
and i cant imagine how my world would become if i were to lose him
i just sat on the toilet bowl afterwards bawling my eyes out
telling myself papa haven die , this is just a dream , dont cry already x30
that dream scared me out of my wits i swear
they say when u dream of someone it could mean that person is missing you
i choose to believe it this time
cos dad has been commenting on how late i came home every night and all
even recalling back on the dream is making me cry now
im really scared this time
it was so much worse than the other time i dreamt mumsie passed
prolly cos i am v close to dad
after he showered , he came out and talked to me like he always did if im home
he had an old injury from his younger days
used to ride those fucking huge bikes and he got into an accident
injured his knee and the injury is acting up again
he told me to study hard , he cant hold on much longer and sometimes he would get really tired while working
i almost couldnt control my tears
i was heartbroken hearing him say those words
and im starting to think that i didnt treat my dad good enough though everyone around is saying i treat him v good but i believe there are many more things i could do for him
what im only doing now is buying him shirts , taking him out for meals , buying him desserts , listening to his probs and bitching about my friends to him ( ok last part can ignore lol )
i know dad is getting on in years
i will be there for him whenever i can
and im glad he doesnt have any illness and hope it can remain like that
if i were to choose , i'd rather die first
i know im selfish to think that way
but i really cant handle my family dying before me